Diary of a Madwoman

Happy New Year

2006-01-02T00:39:00.000-05:00

It is 2006. Another year has passed, and I have to say I am really glad to see it go. To reflect back on 2005 and look towards 2006...
I was in two weddings, Mel and Sara. I went to two other weddings. So far, 2006 only has one wedding on the horizon, although I am sure Jen and Mike will be getting hitched sometime soon, and Vanessa and Pete will be soon to be engaged, although she says they don't plan on getting married until next spring. Jennifer is probably moving down south to be with the boy, and I don't think it will be long before she has a ring on her finger. Chris proposed to his very pregnant girlfriend two days ago, and that wedding isn't until 2007 either. Carrie continues to say I will be the next married, which brings us to my next point...
In 2005, I dated many men. Too many to even remember, honestly. We go out a few times, one of us stops calling the other. I realized I am able to open myself up to men again, but realized I was looking for love in all of the wrong places. I am tired of these half-relationships with men who think they can get laid without committing. I am done with it.
My next goal...for the wedding in May, I want to look fantastic. I am going to make a concerted effort to work out and fit into this strapless dress I have not been able to wear. And I want all my friends to be speechless.

Merry Christmas

2005-12-25T23:37:00.000-05:00

My cousin fell while getting off of a trampoline on Thursday and tore her spleen. She has been in the hospital since. Put a major damper on the holidays. Went to see her today and she looked aweful. Very pale and still might need a transfusion. She might be getting out Tuesday. It was horrible.

I hate that random boys will pop into the picture. I hate that I am in several half-relationships. No commitment. And no one gets sex until I get some commitment. Or at least dinner and a movie.

Im drinking margaritas on my own. And I am a smidge drunk.

If I could tell you...

2005-12-22T23:27:00.000-05:00

You walked into my life at a time when I had noone. I laid eyes on you and thought, "Woah, this dude is in to ME?" That is how attracted I was to you. We had a drink, I invited you in. Perhaps it was a mistake, moving so soon on the first date. But you only live once, right? You came back later and we finished what we started. I was worried it was going to be just sex. But you proved me wrong by coming to visit me at the event I was working that night. And you called just to say good night. And you came to see me at my softball game the next day. I thought you were going to be different. You had lived an interesting life and had so many stories. You kept me laughing, even if we were broke and eating butter pecan ice cream out of the container. I was willing to take a few steps back until you were ready for a real relationship. You fed me the lines about needing time because you were starting a new job. Well you know what? I wanted nothing more than to stand by you and be there for you when things got shitty. I was willing to go that extra mile for you. It didn't even bother me that you didn't want to go to a wedding with me, because you "weren't ready" for that step. And then...*poof*...you were gone. Just like that. No return call, no email, nothing. I was crushed. I had opened myself up in a way I hadn't done in over a year. I thought I felt a connection. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe for you it was just the sex. And, let me tell you, it was fucking fabulous. You will agree on that I am sure. You made me feel like more of a woman than any man ever has. More desired, more WANTED than I have ever felt before. For me it was more than that. It just pisses me off sometimes. What did I do to push you away? Why weren't you man enough to tell me the truth? If it was another woman or you just wanted out, I could have dealt with it. This uncertainty is bullshit. And tonight, what do I come home to? I random message from you. What the fuck? I can't crash and burn again.

Attack of the Smug Marrieds

2005-12-11T00:56:00.000-05:00

Tonight, one of my friends and his soon-to-be wife had their annual Christmas party. I arrived before several of my other friends, and sat around with 6 married/almost married couples. And listened to them speak about their weddings/future weddings/babies on the way. Don't get me wrong; I am happy for all of my friends. I love them dearly, and we are like a family. But it is so hard to be that lone single girl sitting around with happy couples, listening and watching them talk about their lives and how in love they are and blah blah blah. It makes me feel like shit. I am sure these are my own ridiculous issues, but I feel so alone whenever I am with them. I finally couldn't stand it anymore today and had to leave. Went to meet a few girl friends from work at a local bar. Came home to my cat. How pathetic am I? Last night I was with a man whom I don't believe really gives a shit about me in any more than a physical way. And this was AFTER I was stood up by a different man who I thought was interested. Apparently I was wrong. But tonight just reinforced how lonely and shitty I feel lately. This happened last year too. I think it is the holidays. I think it is a slap in the face about how totally alone I am. It is pretty obvious I have major issues.

Drunken Ramblings

2005-11-26T02:13:00.000-05:00

Tonight I met with a few lady friends. One glass of wine led to five. This is not good, as it is going to cause me to be overemotional and probably cry or something totally ridiculously girly.

I always fall for the wrong man. These men pop into my life and then *poof* leave. Just like that. When will I find that special one to come home to? When will I find that one who makes me feel all fluttery and jittery inside (but in a good way)? When will I meet the man who can't spend his life without me? When will I meet the man who looks deep into my eyes and will tell me that his life is meaningless without me? When will I meet the man that I can't live without? Does this man exist? All of these randoms, the bad dates, the one-night stands, the set-ups, the holidays spent alone, New Year's Eve without a midnight kiss, Christmas tree decorating alone, no one to exchange presents with...when will it all be worth it? When with this time of self-discovery end and I will find myself worthy of some man's utter love and devotion? I know who I am, dammit. Isn't it time someone else realizes what I am? That I am a loving, generous, caring, strong, devoted young woman with a good career who wants a family and a home and a husband to take care of? Tonight I looked at all of my friends, happily married/engaged/almost engaged, and I am so jealous. Where is that man for me? Where is that true love and devotion? Where is that completion and happiness I have not felt in three years?

Giving Thanks

2005-11-25T00:41:00.000-05:00

It is November 24. We have six inches of snow on the ground. But, as much as we Clevelanders bitch and moan about the snow, I prefer a blizzard over any other natural disaster. It is over in a day or two, and the worst that usually happens is we have to stay inside for an evening. And school gets cancelled. Life as a teacher is rough, I tell ya.

I feel very melancholy as of late. I don't know what the issue is. I think it is the holiday season. Last year I became horribly depressed and wanted to crawl into a giant black hole forever. I hope it doesn't happen again. Maybe it was living alone. For the first time in my life, there were no roommates or family members in the next room. It was hard. And this year, more friends are married or getting married this year. More family members are gone from my life. And I am still alone. I am looking for love and affection in the wrong ways. The last four men I have met, I have slept with them on the first date. That isn't me. What am I doing? I don't want to be that girl, but I am beginning to feel like the girl men just want to have sex with, not date or marry or be with for longer than one night. I have so much to offer, and I have a hard time understanding why these guys I go out with don't see it. They tell me I am beautiful and smart and fun and sexy...so what the fuck is the issue? I know that I have not made the best decisions, but maybe I think that somewhere along the line one of these guys will be different. I met one last night. His name is Eric. He came over, we had dinner, watched a movie, he didn't leave until this morning. I could really like this boy. But the constant paranoia is setting in. Will he call? Will I see him? Will he disappear to the island of lost men like so many of the others from my life? I honestly cannot handle much more of this. The rejection is killing me and destroying what is left of my belief in love. I don't even know if I believe in it. I WANT to believe in it. But how can I when my heart has been broken so many times? And when I have had to do the breaking? I am 25 and am so alone that my heart hurts.

Movie Madness

2005-11-20T19:49:00.000-05:00

Saw Harry Potter. Best one yet! Have tix for a midnight showing of Rent on Tuesday. I hope it lives up to my expectations or I will be REALLY unhappy!

Reflections

2005-11-20T02:08:00.000-05:00

I turned 25 on Monday. For some reason, this has caused me to do a lot of reflecting on life in general. This is what I have discovered.

1. I am satisfied with my career. There are moments when I hate teaching. These kids don't give a shit about what I have to say. I try to make things interesting, but there are just some students you cannot reach and never will. But then there are kids that make it all worth while. You have parents tell you at conferences that their child adores your class and loves the book. And that makes it worth it. Or seeing the finished product on stage. That makes it worth it as well. That is why we teachers come back year after year; we have hopes of touching just one heart.

2. I have not had a real relationship in almost two years, since Dan and I dated. He loved me; the feeling was not mutual. Did I dump the one man who would have married me? I hope not, although more often than not it feels that way. It has been one failed relationship after another. And there are a few men I think about and I wonder had times been different if it would have worked out. Take JW. If weed was not so damn important to him, we would be perfect together. But I would resent his excessive drug use and it would destroy our relationship as well as friendship. Our discussions over the summer have caused me to continue to think about what could be. He brought it up and I can not let it go. Then there is Nathan, who has fallen off the face of the planet. I know he is out there, but something is going on and he refuses to reach out. We have never dated, nor have we spent more than a handful of occasions together. But in his own fucked-up way, he cares about me. And I know it. And he has told me. And whenever I am seeing someone is when he pops up again, so maybe it will happen sometime soon. My point is....well, I don't have a point. I just feel that the one thing I am missing in life is that special person to share all of my accomplishments with. Jen thinks that I feel like I need a man to complete my life, and I think that is based on HER need for a man to feel complete. That is not it. I just miss having that special person by my side, for the good times and bad. I am ready for the next level. I am ready for that step. I don't know what the hell my issue is. I am a disaster when it comes to men. I am a serial dater. Totally ridiculous.

3. It is very nice not to have creditors calling me every five minutes saying I owe them money.

4. My friends no longer seem to give a rat's ass what goes on in my life. No one returns calls; no one seems to care. So I am done caring.

I have said a whole lot of nothin' in this post, so I think I'll just end it here.

Back in the saddle

2005-11-06T18:21:00.000-05:00

Things in SLC went to shit quickly. I landed, he picked me up at the airport. Immediately I realized this trip was not going to be what I anticipated and that perhaps my expectations were too high, as my mom had warned me. The connection that used to exist was non-existent. There was no attraction, no spark, no fire in my belly like there used to be. And I knew this right away. We went to dinner and I fell asleep as soon as we got home. The next day we spent the afternoon driving through the mountains, and there was no conversation and no laughter like there used to be. As the evening drew to a close, we decided that friendship was the way to go, and then he proceeded to get pissed off because there would be no sex. I refused to make it a long-distance booty call. And he was NOT happy about it. I wasn't about to sleep with him when I wasn't even attracted to him any more. I guess this happens when you don't see each other for almost two years. I dont know if he still felt it or if he was just looking to get laid. Either way, it was a miserable experience and I changed my flight from 2:45 PM to 7:25 AM just to get the hell out. I was at the airport at 5 AM. He gave me a hug and drove off. Didn't even tell me to call when I got home, so he knew I got home safe. And...Friday when we were out to dinner, he was so rude and obnoxious and loud that had it been my first date with a man, it would have been my LAST. We have not talked since. And I don't know if we will again.

Someone I had a previous relationship with is in a new relationship. He was never my boyfriend, but we had fabulous conversation and fabulous sex and are great friends. We have discussed taking it to another level, but realized we are too different, and need to just remain slightly more than just friends. And when I discovered he met someone...I realized I dont like that. For the first time, he isn't there. And that has to say something, doesn't it? Or, maybe it is just a typical female reaction.

heavy sigh

2005-10-12T20:29:00.000-04:00

tonight is one of those nights. actually, this has been one of those weeks. i have been working mad ammounts of hours and i'm exhausted. school, rehearsals, part-time job...i don't know how much more of this i can handle. i desperately need the money right now, so i can't really complain. plus, i brought it upon myself. i just need a day to sleep and do nothing. i feel like im getting a cold. i would call in sick tomorrow, but don't want to because of all the personal days i am taking because of the wedding and SLC. so i suppose i will just have to deal with it. C seems stressed, so i don't want to bug him about my issues. we have hardly talked the last few days. he has been really wrapped up in work and has been super busy, we have hardly had time to connect. now he says that he has had a rough day at work and it looks like he will be there longer than he wants. i know this is going to be rough for me. i know we are going to be apart for awhile. i know that i wont move to wherever it is he is going to be for at least nine months, until the year is over. but i would rather move before school than go through another entire year without him. it would be easier to get out of my lease. and i wouldn't have to sign another contract. sometimes when i think about having to say goodbye, i get all choked up. how can i say goodbye to my students, my friends, my FAMILY? those who have always been there? i know in my heart that it will be so worth it. that he and i will make it.

"How do you feel about Boise?"

2005-10-07T22:01:00.000-04:00

...was the question C asked me tonight on the phone. Boise? Um...i have family in Idaho. He replied he knew that. But how did I feel about it? "That is where you are getting transfered isnt it?" was my response. His DM has told him that he could get sent to Boise and would open up a brand new office with the potential to make lots of money. C said it is something to think about. In the past, my reaction would have been to flip out and not even consider it. Instead, I replied, "Well, at least I have family out there." And more than that, I was taken aback by the fact that he took my thoughts and feelings into consideration. And when I mentioned that to him, he said he had hoped I would pick up on that. My mom was a little shocked when I mentioned it to her. She said she didnt want to think about it just yet. The thing is...I know this is going to happen. And the weird thing? I am ok with it. He should find out midweek as to where he is going to be for sure. We will worry about it then.

24 days and counting

2005-10-04T00:39:00.000-04:00

C and i had a nice conversation tonight. we broached a subject that both of us had been avoiding. before he moved, he said that sometimes people have to make sacrifices, and at that time, i was unwilling to sacrifice. i had just gotten a teaching job and had taken over the drama club and had everything i wanted in my career. and i was scared to death to say i would move to be with him. i was a total commitmentphobic and was afraid that he could potentially be "the one." i didn't want "the one" to be moving to the other side of the continent. and i was adament that i not be the reason for him to move home. what if it didnt work out? then he would resent me and the relationship would be destroyed.

it was a subject we had avoided talking about for two months. it was as if neither of us wanted to bring it up for fear of what the other would say. tonight, it got brought up in some roundabout way. i told him that sometimes compromise has to be made, and now i was willing to consider that. he said he had even talked to his mom about it, telling her that i would tell him either move home or hit the road. that isnt the case anymore with me. as difficult as it would be to move and leave my family, friends, and job, i think i would be willing to do it, as long as i had him by my side. he was surprised at that, but was glad to hear it, and that it almost puts the whole situation in a new perspective. we are going to have so much fun while i am out there, but i know i am going to have a hard time leaving him. he should be finding out soon where he is being relocated to. best case scenario: he will be two hours away, and i could do that drive in my sleep. worst case? apparently alaska. yeah, that would suck. but we will cross that bridge when the time comes. there has always been this something extra with him. and now i feel it more than ever.

A case of the Mondays

2005-09-19T18:19:00.000-04:00

That is what I have. It was a rough day. I had a tough time falling asleep, and was up until after 1 AM. Not good as a teacher when I have to be on top of my game at 7:30 AM. Sometimes I find it amazing I make it to work every day. I am so NOT a morning person. Anyway, it was a fairly uneventul day at school. I had to move one class already because of the excessive talking. It is so interesting about my classes this year. Either they TOTALLY get it or they have no idea. I told one girl today she could come and see me if she needed extra help and her response was a shocked look on her face and, "Really? I can do that?" Seriously...you are in high school. Didn't you know you could come see your teacher for help? Went to the JV girls soccer game tonight for a bit. What an eventful life I lead.

C and I continue to talk every day. I look forward to my daily emails, text messages, and calls. As much as I look forward to my trip and to seeing him, part of me is scared. What is going to come of this? Deep down, I know it is going to work. I can honestly see myself spending my life with him. And that is also what scares me.

Sundays in Autumn

2005-09-18T10:53:00.000-04:00

Sundays are one of my favorite days. I love Sundays in the fall. Curling up on the couch with a cup of tea and watching football or reading a good book. Eventually wrapping myself up in a blanket and taking a nap. Going to Mom and Dad's for pasta and family time. Taking a long walk in the fallen leaves after dinner. *sigh* I wish that was what I was doing today.

Do you really just know?

2005-09-18T01:08:00.000-04:00

For a long time, I believed in destiny and fate and all that romantic nonsense that many young females believe. That our dashing white knight is going to swoop in and save the day. That our eyes will lock across a crowded room and he will walk over and the rest will be history. Then I had my heart broken. I was with a man I thought I was going to marry. I threw my entire heart and soul into the relationship, and offered him every piece of myself. It was not an easy relationship. And after awhile, he stopped being the good man he was in the beginning. He changed; it was like I dated two completely different people. During the last six months of our relationship, I was miserable, and so was he. It ended because we were two completely different people with two completely different goals in life. He no longer wanted to spend his lifetime with me, as he had once promised. So, I ended it. I was emotionally destroyed, and my self-esteem was shot. He had not payed me a compliment in a year. It effected my relationships for a year. I stopped believing in love and fate and destiny. Until the day I met C.

What are the odds that we would meet? He sat down next to me and we talked for the next three hours. Went out once, it was the wrong time. We seem to have the worst timing. One of us is never ready for a relationship. Most of the time it has been me. And then he moved to the other side of the country. And even then, I freaked. I did not want to be his reason to move home. What if it didn't work? He would resent me. And I could not let that happen. We hadn't talked since December. I would email and text, and finally I pestered him enough that he returned a call. This was three weeks ago. Now, I am going to visit him in October. This is not just a friend visiting a friend. This is going to be a deal-breaker. He makes me laugh like noone else ever has. He is the kind of man I could marry. If I went down there and he said "Let's elope," I would drive with him to Vegas. He wants to come home because his entire family is here. And maybe I can give him another reason to come home because now I want to be a reason for him to move back. I think the moment I met him, I did just know. I knew I could spend my lifetime with him. It probably makes me sound like a lunatic, but there is something that pulls us back to one another. Something is just there.

Why blog?

2005-09-15T22:55:00.000-04:00

What prompted me to catch onto this weird phenomenon? All of these randoms, reading about other randoms' lives...why are people drawn to it? Anyways, I'm still not sure why i am doing this. Perhaps it is because I have always kept a journal, but writing takes too long. Perhaps I am hoping to get some feedback from someone, anyone, who may read my posts. Time will tell I suppose. I am going to try and keep this honest and just tell it like it is.

The battle with my mind continues. I am in a financial mess, and have come to the realization that consumer credit counseling is perhaps the only way to go. It weighs on my mind and keeps me up at night. I used shopping as an outlet when I moved out, when I was really depressed and feeling sorry for myself. And when I ran out of money (or space on my credit cards) I ate. I am an emotional shopper and eater. How much of a shittier combination can you get? I am trying to get back on track, picking up another job and I am looking for something for Christmas. I am surely going to want to slit my wrists. I work about 70 hours a week as it is at my normal job. I do not get paid enough at my job. Incidentally, I am not sure I feel comfortable sharing my profession, but perhaps I will soon enough. I want to get that under control. I am getting my weight issue under control again, and that is a HUGE step for me. No one would say I am fat. I don't lack men in my life. Attractive men who would attract other women. But...I am unhappy with myself. So, its back to Weight Watchers and back to the gym. I lost 2.8 lbs this week, and I am pretty proud of that.

I am so freakin' excited to go visit C. 41 days until I leave. I feel like this is such a huge deal. It isn't just a friend going to visit another. We have always been more than friends. There are feelings there. We shall see.